To Lucas' Prospective Female Roommate
by tiramisuspice
Summary: Here's my advice to you: If you value your ears and don't want to be nagged for the rest of your life, find a new roommate. Stat. Best, Maya Penelope Hart


**Companion piece to 'To Maya's Prospective Male Roommate'.**

 **This is long overdue, but I figured it was time to put it out there :) Thank you to FallingFromTheLight for pushing me to complete and publish it! (This one is slightly higher T and less formally structured because it's Maya and I write her fundamentally differently than Lucas).  
**

 **A/N: Just a word vomit piece on my headcanons of Lucas as someone's roommate. Might add more later if I think of more and am bored. Consider this a peace offering because I won't be updating too much this week until my exam on Thursday is completed.  
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 **Rated Mid T for Terrible Roommates**

 **Enjoy!**

 **UPDATE 07.04.16: #51 added thanks to ProudlyUnique! (Thank you ProudlyUnique!)  
**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own GMW.**

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To Lucas' Prospective Female Roommate:

What's up.

I'm sure by now you've seen Lucas Friar, and I'm positive I know what you must be thinking. _Holy crap_ , is this even a real guy? He's a vet, he can cook, and he's single to boot? This must be the roommate of your dreams, right? What a perfect opportunity!

Wrong.

Here's my advice to you: If you value your ears and don't want to be nagged for the rest of your life, find a new roommate. _Stat._

I know I sound like I'm exaggerating, and you'll probably disregard it, because, _hell_ , this guy is hot. But I'm telling you to take this advice, because it'll save you months of nitpicking and badgering.

So to show you exactly what you won't be missing, I made you a list of the lifestyle, excuse me… _torture_ , I've had to endure these past seven months living with him. The things I've had to deal with. The annoyances I've had to live with. Maybe if you read them all, you can make the right decision and find a new candidate before you get tied to him by a contract.

So here we go...

Lucas Friar As A Roommate:

1\. Sets up annoying cleaning and chore schedules with stickers as rewards as if you're some kid.

2\. Picks you up and tosses you on his shoulder if you forget to do designated chores. (Won't put you down until you promise you will do them).

3\. Uses your fancy hairbrush and justifies that it's better for his hair.

4\. Leaves little shaven chin hair bits all over the sink (which are incredibly hard and annoying to clean off).

5\. Too. Damn. Tall! (Makes fun of your height constantly, especially when you cannot reach an upper cabinet).

6\. Forces you to eat healthy. (Those sugar free, low-sodium cupboards will drive you insane).

7\. Forces you to sneak in snacks because he is very totalitarian about what junk food is in the apartment.

8\. Intimidates any guy you bring home to the point they can't finish. (Side note: Do not ask him to be a fake date).

9\. Sleep walks and randomly ends up in your bed.

10\. Nitpicks relentlessly over your choice of skimpy partying clothes.

11\. Trashes all dates you have and won't shut up saying that you can do much better.

12\. Back, foot, and shoulder massages: insanely amazing and _will_ turn you into goo. Avoid, avoid, avoid.

13\. Warm hugs and cuddles: insanely amazing and _will_ turn you into goo. Avoid, avoid, avoid.

14\. Running his fingers through your hair: insanely amazing and _will_ turn you into goo. Avoid, avoid, avoid.

15\. (If you don't avoid, once you've experienced any of the above three points, anyone else's will be inadequate. This is a _problem_ ).

16\. Sleeps in boxers. _Just_ boxers. (You've seen him; you know why it's problematic).

17\. Has more products and things in the bathroom cabinet than you do. (Don't expect much room for your stuff).

18\. Stingy about his car, his booze, his clothes. Everything!

19\. Expects you to be nice to his bitchy dates who will automatically hate you for living with him.

20\. Has the nerve to get irritated when you scare off those bimbo gold diggers. (Best method? Wear one of his shirts and a thong. Guaranteed success).

21\. Drinks when absolutely pissed off at his father. And then becomes a mopey, upset mess and won't do anything the rest of the day. (Get ready to take care of him).

22\. Leaves after shower in small towels around his waist. (Keep napkins on hand for your drool).

23\. Won't stop pinching your side and legs just to see you squirm because you're ticklish.

24\. Implements some stupid rule where you can only get wasted three days a week.

25\. Stops buying booze if you get drunk more than three days in one week.

26\. Hides the booze if you protest. (Check the second to last drawer of the right side of his dresser. That's usually where he hides it).

27\. Likes deep, analytical thrillers when all you want to do is get wasted and watch idiotic comedies. (As a result, movie nights are usually spent arguing over a movie).

28\. Always, always, always out to prove you wrong or compete against you. (Granted, you will do the same, but semantics).

29\. Acts like a scared little boy when you're on your period. (Granted, you will probably be throwing fruit and remotes at him, but still).

30\. Can do your hair better than even you can.

31\. Personal space doesn't exist with him. (Not totally unwelcome, but something to keep in mind if you bring a guy home. They will ask if you're sleeping together).

32\. Bitches for hours about you leaving paint bottles everywhere. And then bitches for hours about the paint he trips on. And _then_ bitches for hours about the paint stains on his ass.

33\. Ruins your girls' nights by being utterly suave and charming and then all your friends will want to talk about the rest of the evening is how hot he is.

34\. Goes topless when the AC breaks. (Too attractive for his own good so don't be surprised if you find yourself ogling him. It's perfectly normal).

35\. Works out _on the weekend_ in minimal clothing at _ungodly_ hours of the early morning. (I'm talking 5-7 AM).

36\. Invites Mama Friar over twice a month. Said mom will continue to think you are his girlfriend so don't bother trying to correct her. It will do no good.

37\. Gets oddly jealous and defensive when you mention running into exes.

38\. The country music. The fucking country music.

39\. Video game nights with his guy friends. Don't expect to get any work done.

40\. Accidentally walks in on you in the shower at least twice a week because he doesn't pay attention. Learn to lock doors.

41\. Some of his friends will hit on you. Don't try to fight it. It will happen regardless of the measures you take to avoid it.

42\. Don't try to date anyone while living with him. They _will_ get jealous. It is inevitable.

43\. Leaves you stranded on the toilet with no toilet paper as punishment for forgetting to buy some.

44\. Forces you to get sleep, drink tea, and take medication when you're sick. Handcuffs you to your bed if you protest.

45\. Gets jealous, annoyed, and/or irritated when _you_ hit on his friends. (So by all means, do it all the time).

46\. Turns into a huge, clingy puppy dog when he's sick and won't let go of you.

47\. Heavy and warm. Very, very warm. Beware if he ends up in your bed for whatever reason.

48\. Gets really, really horny when wasted off his ass. _Really_ horny. So steer clear because he'll get pretty touchy feely.

49\. His morning wood. It _will_ accidentally poke you at some point whether when making breakfast or passing you in the bathroom. Pretend it didn't happen or shit will get awkward.

50\. Don't provoke him by wearing skimpy things. You'll get just as turned on when he's taking a cold shower, and then you'll both be frustrated all day.

51\. Leaves passive aggressive post-it notes all over the apartment if you forget to do things around the place.

52\. And whatever you do: Do not, for fuck's sake, DO NOT bring up the baby horse he delivered in conversation.

Lucas Friar is an annoying Huckleberry. But… at least he cares, and he's going to be your best friend whether you want him to or not. So go easy on him. He's a great guy.

Best,

Maya Penelope Hart


End file.
